Rocky: A Retrospective

Like many of you out there, I was estatic upon hearing the news that a 6th Rocky movie was joining the storied franchise. I will admit that I am a huge fan of the Italian Stallion, and I think that my interest in the sweet science of boxing can be traced back to that little film written by and starring good ol' Sly Stallone!It had been a while since I had watched all of the Rocky Movies, so I decided to go back and watch them all again. I made a point to keep my pen and trusty notebook next to me so that I could take notes for my review of this wonderful series of movies.Now, bear in mind, I was pretty tired (medicated, hung over...pick one) when watching these, so the details may be a bit sketchy...but I think that I have it all down.Now, without further ado - my review of Rocky's 1-5 in anticipation of the upcoming Rocky VI.

Rocky - what needs to be said about this movie? It had everything that is great about sports movies: great plot, impossible odds, and a lesson. No - Rocky did not win the title from Apollo Creed (along with his manager, Starbuck). That didn't matter, tho...Rocky won in life. He stepped up, he went the distance, he got the girl and Sly made huge strides for the cause of Slurring-Americans everywhere! This is truly one of the greatest sports movies ever made.

Rocky II - now this is where it gets interesting! Rocky seems to be ready to take on the world, but an old face from his past shows up...his arch-nemesis, KHAN!!!!! (you just have to yell that, don't you?) Well, as we all know, Rocky left Khan and his people on a deserted planet where they built a Temple of Doom and somehow destroyed the environment. Naturally, Khan challenges Rocky to a fight for the heavyweight championship, which really pisses off Apollo, seeing as how he's still champion and all. Rocky and Apollo fight real quick and Rocky wins with some outside interference from his sidekick, Short-Round. Khan then shows up to the fight with three Kryptonian felons in his corner - all with the same powers and origins as Rocky. In the ensuing battle between Rocky and Khan, it is revealed that Khan is in fact Rocky's father. It turns out that he was conceived on Fantasy Island and isn't a native of Philly at all. Rocky ponders dealing with all of this, but instead he uses a combo punch move involving a jab and an uppercut that he calls the "Genesis Device," and knocks his daddy, Khan, out to retain his title. He then proceeded to trick Khan's posse into using a red-sun ray on themselves, after which he and Adrian throw them down a hole with a lot of dry ice. Oh, I almost forgot - Spock died.

Rocky III - This is possibly my favorite Rocky movie...this is the one where he teams up with his dad, played by Sean Connery, to find the Holy Grail. It should have been an easy trip, but before he could get started his dad got kidnapped and he had to fight Hulk Hogan to discover his dad's whereabouts. (plot hole alert - I know it was revealed that Khan was Rocky's dad in Rocky II, but before the movie started there was a note from the director saying that Khan was "just kidding"). Anyway, Rocky beats Hulk Hogan by hitting a low blow when the Ref's back was turned, and he then threatens to cut off his hair if he doesn't tell where his Dad is. The Hulkster can't figure out why Rocky shaving his own head is supposed to intimidate him...so he assumes that he is just freaking crazy and tells him where his Dad is to get away from him! Rocky then goes, fetches his Dad and they go looking for the Grail. Well...this doesn't sit well with the Vatican, so they send people to stop them - none other than the A-Team!!!! While the A-Team is hunting them, Rocky's dad reveals to him that Leia is in fact Rocky's sister...and for some reason, Rocky isn't disturbed by the fact that he tongued his sister in the two movies prior to this....but before they can explore that perversion, the A-Team finds them and it's yet another battle for the Heavyweight Championship. Apollo Creed shows back up to train Rocky, and is shocked to see his former manager, Starbuck, in Mr. T's corner. To make a long story short, they fight, Rocky wins and it turns out that the holy grail was not as ornate as legends made it out to be. Oh...and Spock came back to life.

Rocky IV - Interesting note on this - in the original script, Rocky went back to school and became a nurse; hence the title "Rocky Eye-Vee." That idea was scrapped when the couldn't convince Howie Mandel to appear in the movie with a latex glove on his head. The movie was almost lost until someone realized that they could still use the same promo posters and pretend that it was the fourth movie in the franchise. Apparantly, their memory was even worse than mine. Anyway...this movie takes place at the height of Cold War politics in the 80's. In this movie, Rocky single-handedly convinces the world that Americans and Russians are not so different and that they can work together. Damned good thing too, because Rocky needs Ivan Drago's assistance to go back in time to bring a male and female Sperm Whale back to the future to save the planet from some aliens with an aquatic mammal fetish. I really didn't pay much attention to this movie whenever Brigitte Nielsen wasn't on screen, but I know that the pervert aliens end up leaving, and that there was some crap about pod-racing in it. At this point I'm worrying that Lucas is more concerned with his CGI, rather than the character development that made the first few movies so good. Oh, and I almost forgot....Spock got his memory back!

Rocky V - this is where the franchise collapsed. It was supposed to be an epic crossover between Rocky and V (the Visitors). It would have been so cool to see Rocky and the Beastmaster teaming up, but for some unknown reason it never happened. Instead we got a movie that totally contradicted the last one, where US-USSR relations made such great strides. In V, Rocky took it upon himself to rid the world of nuclear weapons. I just didn't buy the premise, but I did think that it was cool to see Yoda kick some major ass in this! I just couldn't get into this movie, and I didn't care about the revelation that Spock had a brother. It just seemed like they were banking on name value to get money at the box office.

I hated to think that this was how the proud Rocky franchise would end....And then came the news of VI!!!!!!

Now, I don't want to act as a rumor-monger, but I have heard a few things about this film...specifically, that this is the one where Rocky turns evil! I heard that he starts a Boxing academy, but ends up slaughtering all the younglings by the end of the film! Also, I don't know what role Bill Cosby will play, but I'm sure that he'll be in Part VI!